Negotiating a shibari experience
A Resource for Negotiating
With safety and consent at the forefront of everyone's minds and an influx of newer peeps I wanted to post a resource to help people negotiate clearly and inclusively.
If you're using this as a resource - not every question is going to apply to every potential play partner, scene, or venue. Depending on the level of familiarity you share - a lot of these questions may get answered for you in time. Take what works and leave what doesn't. Add your own questions. My only advice is to assume nothing. Especially when it has a direct impact on someone's safety or well being.
Negotiating is not going to prevent all harm or accidents. But it gives you the ability to ask for exactly what you want while ruling out the things you don't. Asking the nitty gritty questions beforehand helps to avoid some of the uncomfortable or painful experiences that come with making assumptions.
The questions listed below are geared more towards scenes, not so much dynamics although there is some overlap. You can adjust the questions depending on whether you are Topping or bottoming.
General 'Get To Know You' Questions:
How do you identify within kink?
How long have you been aware you had kinky proclivities?
How did you find the community?
How long have you been involved in the local community?
In what ways has the community helped you as a person?
In what ways do you give back to the community?
Can you share one of your favorite experiences? What did you learn from that?
What are some of your kinks & fetishes?
Have you done any formal kink education, training or mentorship?
Can you tell me about a time a scene went sideways? How did you respond?
Who can I speak to in an attempt to vet you?
Questions like this can help you to gauge interest, comfortability, overlap in kinky interests. It can also help you to determine if this person is within your risk profile.
General Scene Negotiation Questions:
What do you personally get out of play?
What type of play would you like to incorporate in this scene?
What is the objective of this scene?
What area(s) of the body would you like to play on?
What type of toys/implements/restraints would like you like to use/be used?
What type of energy would like to aim for?
What would you like to experience and/or feel during the scene?
What is your experience and/or education level in regards to the type(s) of play you're interested in?
Which titles/terms/vernacular may I use?
Which titles/terms/vernacular is off limits?
Do you require/want physical/mental/emotional warm up?
If so, what does that typically look like for you?
Are there specific indicators that you're warmed up?
Are you comfortable with check ins?
If so, is there a desired frequency or cue for check ins?
Are you comfortable with me asking/giving a 1-10 number for pain tolerance check ins?
How will I know that you are enjoying what is happening?
Anything I can look for to indicate you are not enjoying what is happening?
TIP: If you are easily taken out of headspace - pre-negotiated terms adjacent to the scene can be used to prevent disrupting headspace.
What areas may I touch?
What areas are off limits?
Would you like to incorporate sensual touching?
What does that mean to you?
Would you like to incorporate sexual touching?
What does that mean to you?
If incorporating sex or sexual touching - when was your most recent STI panel and what were the results?
Would you be willing to show them to me?
If incorporating sex or sexual touching - what are your boundaries regarding sexual health, birth control, condoms, fluid bonding etc?
Do require/want cool down before moving on to aftercare?
If so, what does that look like to you?
Be honest about what you want and what your limitations are. Negotiation shouldn't leave you feeling pressured or intimidated to go beyond your limits or to adjust your boundaries for someone else's desires.
TO MY FELLOW BOTTOMS AND SUBMISSIVES:
YOU ARE NOT LESS SUBMISSIVE OR MASOCHISTIC FOR HAVING BOUNDARIES AND LIMITS! Tops who expect you to have no limits or boundaries or guilt or shame you for having them is very likely a dangerous individual and I sincerely hope you choose to avoid them.
Boundary/Limit Specific Questions
What are any soft/hard limits:
that would pertain to this scene?
in general?
Do you have a particular safe word that you like to use?
Are you comfortable and familiar with the traffic light system?
Do you use orange or yellow?
If orange/yellow are used - what does that mean to you?
What do you need to have happen next?
If red or any safeword is called - what does that mean to you?
What do you need to have happen next?
What would ruin the scene for you if it did happen?
What would ruin the scene for you if it didn't happen?
Do you have any medical or mental health conditions that may impact this scene?
Do you take any medications that may impact your abilities or cognitive function to participate consensually?
Do you have any triggers I should be aware of?
If so, how can I best identify that you are triggered?
In the event of a trigger, how can I best support you?
Anything I should avoid?
Do you have a specific support/trusted person in attendance?
What are your needs in regards to aftercare?
What are your boundaries/limits in regards to aftercare?
Do you need/want to debrief before parting ways?
Do you experience sub or Top drop?
If so, what does that look like/feel like for you?
How can I support you if you are dropping?
What means of communication are feasible in the event of drop?
Do you have any post-scene check in needs?
There are plenty of Tops that need aftercare and They drop too. A lot of these activities we dabble in are socially unacceptable and it can be hard to reconcile that you just beat the shit out of or degraded someone you 'care about'. Specific, genuine compliments go a long way in reassuring a Top you enjoyed what happened.
On the flip side - negotiating aftercare beyond what is feasible and comfortable can create lasting damage and even trauma. Part of negotiating is aligning the expectations of support in advance. Be mindful about what you commit to - your bottom or Top may not have agreed to play under different conditions.
